A tale of chasing your tail

You fuck up, big time with your boyfriend.
It involved lies, another man, deceit, betrayal of confidence , everything.
You beg, you try, you do whatever possible to convince him that you DO love him and at this point you do, you feel it.
Before, you weren't that sure, and you told the other person who repeated it to your boyfriend, with all the things he suspected and you denied.
That was the hardest blow, to see how much dishonesty you had.
But now you really really want him back, you feel you were stupid, you go to his house you try so hard.
He is kind enough to see your efforts and gives you another chance.
You have a couple of dreamy weeks, you change your ways, a bit.
Then something happens, you fight.
He feels its your fault.
He feels you are too self absorbed.
You say you will go to his house to clear it out because you care...
but you don't... and you say it's because he says no.

Only thing that betrays your true intentions is the fact is that he also tells you to stop calling him an you haven't stopped all night, even when he begs for sleep.
And at some point he kind of gives in and you change your tune" maybe its better if i come in the morning?"
So you say you love him, but what you say is meaningless.
You play games.

You chose when to respect his wishes according to what suits you.

The obvious is that you cant be bothered, phoning is so much easier...but you wont budge until he admits he wants you there by agreeing.

Its an ego thing.
By not going to fix things, so soon after you fucked up, the old feelings come back.
By not going to dissipate them and talking -once again, once too many- out of your ass, is creating doubts, again.
And this time you both know what you are capable of, so doubting the other is so much more destructive and important.
Your last words are "I m coming"
before he hangs up the phone.
But you don't, and waking up, he wonders if you
a) had an accident
b) came and he didn't hear the door bell (but there are no calls in his cell so, no)
c)are really that superficial.

Good going my friend.
You really won him over this time around.

My girlfriend looks at me with wonder an says
"what? i m supposed to go there on Friday."

I give up.


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